Before I start anything, yes, guys do have mental break downs. It's normal. We get stressed, we start to over think, so on and so forth. Y'all know the stages. But let's start off with something happy!! So, I am a member of the LDS Church, and what i have a pleasure of doing is giving up two years of my life to serve the Lord. AND I'M SO PUMPED!! Yesterday I started the paper work needed to go on my mission. And I couldn't help but laugh all the way home from the bishop's office I was so happy that I am going to be able to serve others and the Lord for two WHOLE years. And not seeing my mom and dad isn't even the least bit bothering me... What is bothering me though is not being able to see my brother, Geordan(pronounced Jordan) for 4 whole years.
Geordan has been serving in Africa for the past two years and will be coming home this October. But I may be leaving before that. And if so, I'm gonna miss him even more than I already am....
But life, as I have mentioned before, is not all hunky dory. I've had some rough patches and will continue to have them. I don't know why but I have a major fear, a phobia if you will, that my friends aren't who they say they are. Maybe it's because I didn't have friends from 3rd to about 9th or 10th grade. Or maybe I'm just a worry wart. I don't know. But I'm constantly afraid that my friends will not be there for me, as I want to be there for them.
Well, this last Saturday I gave into this fear and started to believe that NOBODY was ever going to be there for me. I feared that all my friends didn't truly like me and were just faking it all. Yes, I know some of you are reading this now thinking, "I'll always be there. Just shoot me a text or call me when you need it!" But, it's not that simple on my side. On my side I want to believe that and want to do just that but I'm so afraid of it being true that I'm paralyzed in a state of self torment.
I think this fear comes from all those years of being alone. I would mope the school grounds, in 3rd grade may I remind you, thinking that nobody loved me, nobody wanted me around, nobody wanted to be my friend. Some days I thought about killing myself even(no not as a third grader but when I was a little older).
On those days though I suddenly didn't feel so alone. I felt like someone did love me and cared enough that I was here on earth, and as I look back on those dark, wretched days I see that someone did love me. It wasn't anyone at school. Nobody I knew at church no, i knew that Christ loved me and was there with me. I know now that he loves me and each one of us. He LOVES US. All of us are his children and he loves each and every single one of us. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to rise above temptations and despair. He wants us to know that he is there next to us cheering us on. And he does it. BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU. He. Loves. You. I know that for a fact and that he will send a feeling, a friend, a parent, a guardian. Something somehow to tell you that he loves YOU! And I know he went through everything for you. So that you will be strong until the end... Joshua 1:9. I love you guys. Never give up. You are so precious and you are worth every second in a life time.
Stay frosty.
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